Pandora you lying bitch
You know what is at the bottom of that box? Fuck all it's empty, tricking us into thinking there is hope! Well just to be clear this blog post is going to be about hope or lack there of. So your going to be told by many people when you have cancer that you just need to be strong and have hope. You know what has never cured anybody? My experience with hope went something like this;
I had travelled 1.5 hour on a fractured pelvis to meet a lung specialist and she had just reviewed my CT scans. It was at this moment I found out that I had an inoperable 12cm tumor on the right lung. Okay I was determined to beat it, I mean people live though this all the time right? Turns out that no people do not live though that all the time and she got the unfortunate task of telling me I was clocking out shortly. Right there hope died oh sure I faked it for a while and even tried to convince myself but it never came back I never believed.
Funny things about hope though maybe Pandora wasn't lying... I may have given up hope and had a 1% chance of survival but just because you don't see hope anymore does not mean it is gone. Just means your pissed off as hell and choose to ignore it. You see I had a 99.9% chance of that is was primary lung cancer, but it hey look at that my cancer is just a unique as I am and decided not to follow the rules you see I have testicular cancer without it being in my testicles... I still don't even know how that works. That means I suddenly had a treatable condition ( well kind of ) I also only found that out after two lung biopsy's and 4 cycles of chemo but I did learn something.
Just because you lost hope and you will have days/weeks that you just can't find it the most important thing is to get up every morning and make it though the day. You can be miserable, angry, happy, sad but the most important thing is you just get up. Do that enough time times and you may never find hope again but things might not be as bad anymore. Then you start chemo and you hate everything all over again. I should be dead right now.. but I'm not still here typing away maybe you will find hope maybe you won't but get up and enjoy the time you have left.
I had travelled 1.5 hour on a fractured pelvis to meet a lung specialist and she had just reviewed my CT scans. It was at this moment I found out that I had an inoperable 12cm tumor on the right lung. Okay I was determined to beat it, I mean people live though this all the time right? Turns out that no people do not live though that all the time and she got the unfortunate task of telling me I was clocking out shortly. Right there hope died oh sure I faked it for a while and even tried to convince myself but it never came back I never believed.
Funny things about hope though maybe Pandora wasn't lying... I may have given up hope and had a 1% chance of survival but just because you don't see hope anymore does not mean it is gone. Just means your pissed off as hell and choose to ignore it. You see I had a 99.9% chance of that is was primary lung cancer, but it hey look at that my cancer is just a unique as I am and decided not to follow the rules you see I have testicular cancer without it being in my testicles... I still don't even know how that works. That means I suddenly had a treatable condition ( well kind of ) I also only found that out after two lung biopsy's and 4 cycles of chemo but I did learn something.
Just because you lost hope and you will have days/weeks that you just can't find it the most important thing is to get up every morning and make it though the day. You can be miserable, angry, happy, sad but the most important thing is you just get up. Do that enough time times and you may never find hope again but things might not be as bad anymore. Then you start chemo and you hate everything all over again. I should be dead right now.. but I'm not still here typing away maybe you will find hope maybe you won't but get up and enjoy the time you have left.
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